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-><- How to be a Cultist -><-

Warning: This post is incoherent and may be deemed blasphemous by the uptight

Today I was inspired by some good reading over in sneezythesquid's post on Discordia, particularly:

How to be a Cultist

"Avoid needless embarassment. Practice the correct pronunciation of your god's name in the privacy of your room before chanting it in public. Flash cards are often helpful."

Sneezy's post is full of fun links. As a student of all paths, I've learned a bit of Discordianism and felt drawn to aspects (Pastafarianism, too, come to think of it). These so-called 'Parody Religions' can be quite enlightening, if you sit down and take a close look at them.

Ultimately, though, I'm too much of a spiritualist to follow a path like that. I've always innately felt what I know to be my own spiritual truths, and they come from a variety of religions. While The Principia Discordia is indeed eye-opening and entertaining, it's riddled with glaring, if well-meant, inaccuracies:


As I've pointed out before, and this was pointed out to me during a mystical trip to Egypt's pyramids (that was remarkably like Malaclypse & Omar's trip to the bowling alley, if you don't believe in coincidences), all things are made up of and break down into 4.

Law of Fives = 10 ('ten' letters) = 'Ten' = 3 ('three' letters) = 'Three' = 5 ('five' letters) = 'Five' = 4 ('four' letters) = 'Four' = 4

Sure it works.

Hail Eris = 8 = Eight = 5 = Five = 4 = Four = 4

Big Toe = 6 = Six = 3 = Three = 5 = Five = 4 = Four = 4

Just don't think about it too hard.

You see what I mean? With such glaring misinformation, how could I dedicate myself to such a path? While Discordians turn to The Principia Discordia for Divine Truths and see Eris as Supreme, I adhere to the truths as written in The Ultimate Authority on who is or is not, in fact, The Shit, which clearly shows that I (Supreme Ruler of All) rank above Eris (who comes in at an honorable 12th place):


This was actually addressed at the My Goddess Beat Up Your Goddess Conclave of 3165, when the Polyfather and I struck a deal that would quietly recognize my sovereignty. In exchange for a shiny tiara and a ribbon with "The Shit" spelled out in sequins, as well as a payment of 400 pounds of cheese paid over a five-year period (sigh, compromise), I agreed to take the Bible Belt as my headquarters and distract the natives so that Southern Discordians could go on about their business and take over select cities by infiltrating area zoning boards.

(Really, the POEE was trying to get rid of potential 'problem areas' because they believed Eris was going to unleash Y2K on The Aftermath 73, and the HP was pretty embarrassed when he fell victim to one of Eris's own games.)

Anyway, that Conclave is how I went and started my own religion, the Rumilicious Order of Cool Kat Spirituality (ROCKS). Slowly but surely, we are gaining steam and shifting paradigms everywhere - and as official Galactic Empress and Ruler of All Existence, I invite you to join my Legion of Light and become a minion today!



( 36 comments — Leave a comment )
Apr. 2nd, 2007 06:19 am (UTC)
Hahahaha. Pure awesome.
I am amused that Bob Ross is more The Shit than Eris.
I won't disagree, however. He is a glorious being.
There is no H in Jon Stewart's name. Unless perhaps you've decreed it otherwise, HHTS.

I hereby papify you Pope Mandar the Slamdacious.

From this entry, I'm assuming that you are familiar with the proper calendar. An interesting and relevant fact is this: I was born on Confuflux. I think it says a great deal about me.
Apr. 2nd, 2007 07:49 am (UTC)
Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it. I plan on making a Bob Ross icon, if I remember in the more coherent waking hours.

I actually know Jon Stewart is H-less, and if you don't believe me, ask lessthan90sheep (I double-checked). However, John Stewart was the first guy who grabbed my butt (I get them mixed up on occassion), and so he beat out the other Jon by a close margin. (Jon Stewart, my Presidential hopeful, is actually #22)

I do look forward to meeting Jon and giving him the opportunity to grab my ass, though.
Apr. 5th, 2007 10:31 pm (UTC)
Who is number 23?

RESPONSE = "Excellent, the world is as it should be."
RESPONSE = "I think your list needs revision."
(no subject) - ahavah - Apr. 5th, 2007 10:46 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - mc_questionmark - Apr. 5th, 2007 11:04 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - ahavah - Apr. 5th, 2007 11:55 pm (UTC) - Expand
Apr. 5th, 2007 05:48 pm (UTC)
It kept gnawing at the back of my brain. I had to change it.
Apr. 5th, 2007 08:37 pm (UTC)
Re: DUMC?!
Oh. Nevermind. I get it.
Re: DUMC?! - ahavah - Apr. 5th, 2007 09:19 pm (UTC) - Expand
Apr. 2nd, 2007 03:58 pm (UTC)
As it is written in the Principia that we should not trust anything we read, all this is just a mental excercise somewhere on the level of making Rice Crispies(R) Treats(TM) with one's feet(FNORD).

I find your shit-list highly suspect, in that it does not include Saint Bill Hicks, but does include David Blaine, who would qualify instead for the list of those to be shat upon, were he not to likely find a way to make buckets of money at it. (This ability does rank him highly among Discordian popes, but then what-the-fnord, we're all popes in Discordia.)

Remember, Fred Rogers died for your sins. So stop doing that.

I said stop.

Sincerely (ha!),
-Pope George Ringo IX
Apr. 2nd, 2007 06:25 pm (UTC)
Yes, well, as some Discordians argue, if I've chosen to not believe what is writ in the Principia and instead start my own True Way (TM), I am thereby a walking Discordian messiah. However, I pointed out to them that by believing this, they are actually breaking the sacred precept to never believe anything you read (if they believe what the Principia says on believing what you read), and therefore they were not Discordians at all. They couldn't really argue with me on that, so I told them of the glory of ROCKS and how ROCKS encourages you to believe at least a fourth of what you read (Law of 4s), which would allow them to believe the part about not believing everything they read if that technique was working for them (as well as the part about the whole hot dog thing, but at least ROCKS doesn't discriminate against vegetarians). When faced with such glittering logic, they quickly signed up as ROCKS and gave a lovely tribute of $4 (exemplifying enlightenment and instantaneously becoming the first ROCKS saints). So rather than being a mental exercise in futility, it's actually the only pure Discordian doctrine.

I'm sorry that you disagree with the shitlist (although you are, of course, allowed to disagree with up to 3/4s of it). Personally, I'd have David Blaine a bit lower on the list, but the Ultimate Authority is a committee endeavor and it requires a bit of give-and-take. David Blaine is the shit, though, if only because he has the ability to both win the lottery (and I've been sorely manifesting that) and read minds.

Fred Rogers is on the list at #19.

Love of Light (LoL!),

Her Extreme Coolness, Mandar the Slamdacious
Highest Priestess
Galactic Empress and Ruler of All
Brigadier Saint, Pope Emeritus
The Prettiest One
Apr. 5th, 2007 08:40 pm (UTC)
The hot dog thing doesn't discriminate against anyone, as hotdogs aren't made of meat anyway.
*smite* - ahavah - Apr. 5th, 2007 09:23 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: *smite* - mc_questionmark - Apr. 5th, 2007 09:45 pm (UTC) - Expand
Apr. 2nd, 2007 09:56 pm (UTC)
I like Bob Ross. I try never to get in discussions with people about discordian topics or similar topics. I will inevitably try to make some sense of whatever I am talking about. This does not work when discussing these topics. :) So, ...I like Bob Ross. He painted happy little trees.
Apr. 3rd, 2007 01:54 am (UTC)
Bob Ross was most definitely The Shit.
Apr. 3rd, 2007 12:37 pm (UTC)
Yay for Invader Zim love! Woot!

For an even cooler version of Bob Ross, check out the Boondocks episode "Riley Wuz Here".
Apr. 3rd, 2007 01:03 pm (UTC)
That looks cool. If I had tv, I'd watch that show.
(no subject) - simplydorei - Apr. 3rd, 2007 01:26 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - ahavah - Apr. 3rd, 2007 01:41 pm (UTC) - Expand
Apr. 3rd, 2007 07:59 pm (UTC)
We've been watching Invader Zim like crazy. I love it and am totally addicted to it right now. :)

I may try downloading that show. Bob Ross was great. If there is a cooler version of him out there, I will have to see it.
(no subject) - simplydorei - Apr. 4th, 2007 12:35 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - mc_questionmark - Apr. 5th, 2007 08:43 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - simplydorei - Apr. 5th, 2007 10:33 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - mc_questionmark - Apr. 5th, 2007 10:37 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - simplydorei - Apr. 5th, 2007 10:47 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - mc_questionmark - Apr. 5th, 2007 11:03 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - simplydorei - Apr. 5th, 2007 11:19 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - mc_questionmark - Apr. 8th, 2007 05:18 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - simplydorei - Apr. 13th, 2007 07:10 pm (UTC) - Expand
Apr. 3rd, 2007 12:33 pm (UTC)
i thought i was already a minion...in the very least, the fan club pres.

That the DL & Rumi tied for third (my most favorite number) is just too perfect. Though i think Jane Goodall kicks Jerry Garcia's butt. :P
Apr. 3rd, 2007 01:02 pm (UTC)
You were my very first minion, actually, which (According to ROCKS legend) makes you the first Saint.

I will still allow this despite your blasphemous St. Jerry comment. Putting him at 8 was difficult, and he only lost points for being dead (well, and addicted, but we all have our lessons). Really, if you look at his mark on the world (I hope my sub-culture gets as big as his sub-culture!), you'd have to agree that he deserves higher than 8. Luckily 8 = 4+4 or I never would have allowed it.
(no subject) - simplydorei - Apr. 3rd, 2007 01:33 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - ahavah - Apr. 3rd, 2007 01:50 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - simplydorei - Apr. 4th, 2007 02:18 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - ahavah - Apr. 4th, 2007 09:20 pm (UTC) - Expand
( 36 comments — Leave a comment )


Ahavah Ehyeh

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