November 20th, 2008

Firefly/Serenity: Juggle Geese

The Ostrich Pandemic

I have to thank my friend mc_questionmark for bringing this pressing issue to my attention. On Facebook, he posed these thought-provoking questions to his friends:

Ostrich vs. Kangaroo: Which of these creatures would you rather do battle with and why?
Which one would win a fight if they were to engage each other?

If you're like me, most of Mark's friends, or the dinner guests I posed this question to, then you might seriously underestimate the ferocity and deadliness of this funny-looking, flightless bird. Let's face it, we've all been lulled into complacency by the images of pansy ostriches sticking their heads in the sand, yet how many times have we seen some dumbass get beat up by a kangaroo on American's Funniest Home Videos?

Let's look deeper. Let's look at cold, hard facts.

Did you know that ostriches are responsible for about 14 deaths every year? (Stark, 2001) Every year. They, like kangaroos, actually have extremely powerful legs, and their kicks have the added danger of claws. Compare this to the kind-hearted kangaroo: there is only one reliably documented fatality from a kangaroo attack (and then you get the few instances of people hitting them with cars). Just one, back in 1936.

Also, their powerful legs can carry an ostrich up to 46 mph (74 km/hr). Now a kangaroo can reach nearly the same speed for short distances, but anecdotal evidence shows ostriches to hold grudges. My brother-in-law had a friend who slapped an ostrich, and it chased and harassed him for over thirty minutes until animal control could pull it off. He didn't get bored and fed up with the game; no, he harangued this not-so-bright fella until four animal control officers could hold him off and get the man to safety. So couple this vindictiveness with the knowledge that people have been making feather dusters and eating ostrich burgers for years... No wonder ostriches are maniacally killing people left and right! I don't know about you, but I've never hurt nor eaten an ostrich. I'm not going to suffer for the sins of my brethren just because ostriches are vengeful, specist bastards.

Protect yourselves. Help spread the word and educate others about this quietly lethal threat to humanity. Arm your family with the knowledge that could save their lives.

This is my week 9 entry for this week's therealljidol topic, Unprepared. Remember who saved your life this week, and vote ahavah when the polls open Friday. Thanks!