January 10th, 2009

Rumi: Unconscious and Insane

It's 3 am

And I had to get up, because when I lay down in the dark, I can't stop thinking about my mom. The one scene, over and over again, where they wheeled her out under my nose when I arrived at the hospital, and she was so tore up that I didn't recognize her at first. Me crying, hyperventilating, and Tina and Lyz seeing me and knowing it was very very bad.

Why does that keep coming to me tonight?

It's bothersome. On many levels.

We have a birthday party to go to in the morning, and I can't get to sleep. I lay there and I see her broken face. How I didn't run to her, because I didn't know it was her, and they pulled me away when I realized. Because of the freckles on her arm, since her face wasn't mom's.

I haven't really thought of that part for a long while. I don't like to think of it. And I sure as hell don't like it constantly floating in my face at three a.m. when I'm trying to sleep.

Why tonight?

Because the lawyer's office called to schedule another chat with me this upcoming week? Because I watched a stupid episode of Scrubs where their wedding was ruined, and they ended up getting married in the hospital?

I just want to sleep. I don't want to have to see that again. The brokenness.

I've done so good lately.

Now I understand a little better why mom took sleeping pills.
  • Current Music
    Her laugh. I have to conjure her laugh.
  • Tags
Family: CartoonyLove


I just deleted ten pages worth of spam from our wedding website guestbook. That was about 100 times more comments than we actually got. I may update it. Maybe not.

If you want the actual wedding, it's here in this friends-locked post. Long, though.

Silly me, searching for pictures in the middle of the night. All I do is piss myself off.

We're supposed to have a real wedding this year. I'm not even sure it'll happen anymore.

Achaiah Seems Better

I'll respond to all my comments a little later, but thank you guys so much for all the love. I wanted to let you know that Achaiah seems a lot better today. I took some people's advice and gave her a bit of pepto, and lots of love and reiki. A whole lot of people did. This morning, she's definitely perked up, full of more energy than I've seen in a while, and her tummy isn't swollen anymore at all. I'm still going to keep a close eye on her, but I think she's getting better.

I told Josh about what happened last night, and he said, “You too?” Apparently as soon as he laid down, mom bombarded his head too and woke him up. He said it took a while for him to fall asleep. I knew there was something odd about her heavy presence last night, but I still haven't figured out why. I'm not worrying about it though. I finally got to sleep a little after four. I've just been listening to my favorite music all day, and it's really helped. I think I need to do something for the full moon, but I'm not sure what yet. Mom always had insomnia around the full moons. Apparently this one is the Wolf Moon, which is my totem. A ceremony of some sort is definitely in order.

In the meantime, care to click again on my dragons? I'd really like boy thoughts for the guardian, since I have way too many females.

Thanks again.

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