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The Ostrich Pandemic

I have to thank my friend mc_questionmark for bringing this pressing issue to my attention. On Facebook, he posed these thought-provoking questions to his friends:

Ostrich vs. Kangaroo: Which of these creatures would you rather do battle with and why?
Which one would win a fight if they were to engage each other?

If you're like me, most of Mark's friends, or the dinner guests I posed this question to, then you might seriously underestimate the ferocity and deadliness of this funny-looking, flightless bird. Let's face it, we've all been lulled into complacency by the images of pansy ostriches sticking their heads in the sand, yet how many times have we seen some dumbass get beat up by a kangaroo on American's Funniest Home Videos?

Let's look deeper. Let's look at cold, hard facts.

Did you know that ostriches are responsible for about 14 deaths every year? (Stark, 2001) Every year. They, like kangaroos, actually have extremely powerful legs, and their kicks have the added danger of claws. Compare this to the kind-hearted kangaroo: there is only one reliably documented fatality from a kangaroo attack (and then you get the few instances of people hitting them with cars). Just one, back in 1936.

Also, their powerful legs can carry an ostrich up to 46 mph (74 km/hr). Now a kangaroo can reach nearly the same speed for short distances, but anecdotal evidence shows ostriches to hold grudges. My brother-in-law had a friend who slapped an ostrich, and it chased and harassed him for over thirty minutes until animal control could pull it off. He didn't get bored and fed up with the game; no, he harangued this not-so-bright fella until four animal control officers could hold him off and get the man to safety. So couple this vindictiveness with the knowledge that people have been making feather dusters and eating ostrich burgers for years... No wonder ostriches are maniacally killing people left and right! I don't know about you, but I've never hurt nor eaten an ostrich. I'm not going to suffer for the sins of my brethren just because ostriches are vengeful, specist bastards.

Protect yourselves. Help spread the word and educate others about this quietly lethal threat to humanity. Arm your family with the knowledge that could save their lives.

This is my week 9 entry for this week's therealljidol topic, Unprepared. Remember who saved your life this week, and vote ahavah when the polls open Friday. Thanks!


( 29 comments — Leave a comment )
Nov. 20th, 2008 04:46 pm (UTC)
i really needed this laugh! i’ve seen ostriches up close & personal and i saw them in attack mode on “dirty jobs”, so i know the threat is real.

xo, campcreek
Nov. 20th, 2008 06:19 pm (UTC)
I've never seen one up close and personal, but I'm glad you made it back safely. Thanks for stopping by!
Nov. 20th, 2008 07:28 pm (UTC)
ACK! Another worry to add to the list! *grin*

Funny post!
Nov. 20th, 2008 07:29 pm (UTC)
Thank you! Well, as long as you carry a long stick and don't piss them off, I think you're okay.
Nov. 20th, 2008 07:55 pm (UTC)
Phew! The only ostriches up here are on farms. I think I'm safe.
Nov. 20th, 2008 10:52 pm (UTC)
I really hope so, but if they're nearby, you'll need to stay on your guard.
Nov. 20th, 2008 08:18 pm (UTC)
I'll keep this in mind. Ya never know when a stray ostrich might wander into my yard here in Massachusetts!
Nov. 20th, 2008 10:52 pm (UTC)
I'm glad to avert at least one senseless death!
Nov. 20th, 2008 09:30 pm (UTC)
*laugh* What an entry! :D
Nov. 20th, 2008 10:54 pm (UTC)
Hope you enjoyed it, and that you make it through the ostrich apocalypse.
Nov. 20th, 2008 10:43 pm (UTC)
This is like... the best ever. haha I love this entry. Very informative. I'll have to be mindful to spread the word. : )
Nov. 20th, 2008 10:55 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I'm so glad. We all need to do our part, you know?
Nov. 21st, 2008 01:36 am (UTC)
My kids & I toured an ostrich farm in Michigan once. We refused to eat the meat. It looked like chipped beef. Nasty...The babies were cuties. SOmewhere I have a video tape of that day...P.
Nov. 21st, 2008 01:40 am (UTC)
You would likely be on the beasties' good side then. I would possibly try ostrich meat if it was offered, but not if it looked all that bad. :P
Nov. 21st, 2008 05:45 am (UTC)
Thank you for making me smile, I needed this tonight. :)
Nov. 21st, 2008 11:19 am (UTC)
I'm very glad to have brightened your evening!
Nov. 21st, 2008 07:40 am (UTC)
Funnily enough, my pick was kangaroo even before I read the rest of your post. Ostriches are eeee-vil!
Nov. 21st, 2008 11:20 am (UTC)
You're a step ahead of the game then, my friend.

Now have you had an evil ostrich experience, or are you just that inherently wise?
Nov. 23rd, 2008 05:49 am (UTC)
Fortunately for me, inherently wise. We do have an ostrich farm up the road and I keep meaning to try ostrich steak while pregnant and thus still eating meat (usually I'm veggie but when pregnant if the baby wants meat, the baby gets it). Never been quite brave enough though!
Nov. 21st, 2008 09:08 pm (UTC)
... I like ostrich burgers. Now I won't feel guilty over it. :)
Nov. 22nd, 2008 05:31 pm (UTC)
Really? I've never had the opportunity to try one. Does it taste more like chicken or more like burgers?
Nov. 21st, 2008 11:20 pm (UTC)
Great, one more weird fear to have... you really should have been considerate and told us what the phobia is that I'm now developing.

Awesome post!
Nov. 22nd, 2008 05:32 pm (UTC)
Thank you! You know what, I'm not really sure what a fear of ostriches would be called. I'm not sure it would fall under the category of 'phobia' though, which by definition is an irrational fear. I believe my essay points out that the fear is all too real.
Nov. 22nd, 2008 11:44 pm (UTC)
I watched a 'Dirty Jobs' where Mike went to an ostrich farm. They're mean suckers.
Nov. 23rd, 2008 02:51 pm (UTC)
Mike has totally saved lives.
Nov. 24th, 2008 01:56 am (UTC)
*giggle* And now I know!
Nov. 24th, 2008 10:58 am (UTC)
Walk softly and carry a big stick!
Nov. 25th, 2008 02:24 am (UTC)
Crack me up!

I was thinking ostrich actually - they are big damn birds! Big old claws, nasty neaks, dinosaurs for relatives...and they could lay an egg on you the size of your head too!
Nov. 28th, 2008 11:19 am (UTC)
Hi, sorry I didn't get your comment sooner! I'm glad to know my entry amused you...but also glad to know you're canny enough to recognize them for the pure evil that they are.
( 29 comments — Leave a comment )


Ahavah Ehyeh

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