A Bunch Of Things I Wish I Could Tell My F-list & Fellow Contestants, But In Passive-Aggressive Cowardice Decide to Post Anonymously, Under the Pretense That It's All Just A Game, But We All Know How Very, Very Real It Actually Is:
1. You know, I'm like 99.6% certain that the rant you posted was about me.
2. I think you're unbelievably hot. Really. I always read your posts just to gaze at the icon of you.
3. I know who you really are, and some of my posts were just to screw with you.
4. I only keep you on my f-list because we've been friends for so long and I don't want to deal with the confrontation I know would come from dropping you. I'm too stressed lately as it is.
5. And you – I'm so glad you're gone. “Put your grief behind a cut, because some of us are trying to keep positivity in our life”? My mom died, you callous ass. If you don't want to read, scroll on by or unfriend me like this “friend” did. The scolding was unnecessary.
6. Speaking of which...my mom died. Slowly, during the course of my wedding AND Mother's Day. You were my ultimate bestie for a long time. Where the hell have you been when I needed you? You're worse than the ones who at least gave up pretenses and just turned tail.
7. White Space. Do you know what white space is? It's those little breaks that you'll find all through this post; they come after paragraphs and numbered items. They are imperative for ease of reading. You have interesting things to say, but you say it all in one HUGE block of evilly unrelenting text, and I literally, physically, cannot read your posts. It makes my eyes burn. See this:
Can you dig it?
8. Stop using all of the following phrases: I can haz, lulz, kthxbai. It stopped being cute looooong ago. And while we're at it, don't you dare ever vocalize in my presence: "Oh-Em-Gee". You may say, “Oh my God”. I know it's taking the Lord's name in vain, but believe me, that's the lesser of two evils here.
9. Um, don't post something on the internet if you don't want to discuss it with people. Stew in silence in your living room as you pat yourself on the back, but once it's posted publicly, don't you dare delete/censor/freeze comments. Wanna tell me how much this posts sucks and you'll do whatever the hell you want while you're online? Go ahead; commenting is allowed. You can even call me names if it makes you feel better. I might point and laugh, but I won't skew comments in my favor. Your responses speak well enough for themselves.
10. I would totally be trying to fuck you if you hadn't been such an ass that one time.
11. I wish I'd never opened up to you.
12. I have the sneaking suspicion that you don't like me very much. That's okay; I can't blame you.
13. I have the sneaking suspicion that you're crushing on my husband. That's okay; I can't blame you.
14. Your whineyness is why I didn't vote for you, not the size of your friends list. If it's a tie-breaker and I think both entries are equally strong, I'll still only vote for one: the one who has whined and pimped less on their journal. Let's face it, in a competition like this, whining does not win you fans. Sorry. I'm a newbie and I get votes...because I rawk*. My friends don't even pay attention to this shit.
15. Vote for me this weekend. I know you do, like, half of these things, but you know I wasn't talking about you. I love you, baby.
* Technically this & it's "hawt" counterpart fall under #8, but you can always flub the rules with snark. Or pure awesomeness. I'll leave it to you to decide which I'm going for here.