I know it's virtually meaningless but :hugs:

oh, sweetheart. This tore me up. My mother has freckles as well. I am so, so sorry. Huge hugs to you, if I could send reiki, I would, but in the meantime good thoughts will have to do <3

* HUGS *

But, please, don't start taking sleeping pills or stuff. It only pushes the feelings into the cellar of unconsciousness.

(((hugs))) and lots of Reiki loven.

*hugs* I hate flashbacks and those sound particularly nasty.

You've had an extreme trauma, but you're strong and managed to find some light in the darkness. But grief is a cycle and you can find yourself in any stage of it at any time, even when you think you've dealt with everything.

Have you considered talking to someone professional about this? Doesn't have to be a psych, could be a confidential church counselor or even a healer that specializes in emotional trauma.

I only ask because I know you've managed ok by yourself, but you've a string of bad luck lately that might be interfering with your self healing attempts. You're very strong and talented, but even healers need help sometimes.

*hugs you tight*

*hugs tight*

Oh sweetie...it will get better.

*hugs*

PTSD is insidious. Please talk to someone. This sounds exactly like what happened to me.

The *right* therapist can be a godsend, the wrong one is definitely NOT. *hugs* I am sorry you had that experience!

I totally understand that.

They say it takes AT LEAST a year to get over this stuff. AT LEAST a year....It took years for me to get my grandmother's not-right face out of my head.
Hugs...Take care...P.

When my dad passed, I remember having "Good-Dad-Days" and "Bad-Dad-Days". The bad ones kicked in mostly when I was alone...Like driving in the car. Too much time to think isn't always a good idea. (Not enough time to think and process is also not right.) You never totally get over it. You just grow from it and figure out a way to manage better. Having kids helps a lot, and then you pass the stories of their heritage on to them so they know your family too. My parents and my grandmas were real big on telling the old family stories. I suppose that was part of the reason why I wrote my book. I wanted my kids to know, or at least have the info available, about all those people, whether they came from them biologically or just through other influences.
P.

For a long time people told me I should write a book about my adoption experience as an adoptee. I finally got around to starting in 2002, after I met my birth father's kids. (my half-siblings) It starts from my 1st memory up till getting to meet one of my sisters for the 1st time. I tried to avoid making it too liner with "First, I did this and then that happened,..." sort of writing. It ties a lot of things in, including my adoptive and birth relatives and how the two different families, who never knew each other, have come together in full circle in a way. The added plus was that I could write in detail about my 2 grandmas and my dad, who my girls never really got to know, but I sure wish they could have...."
P.

My goal is to get it published one day, but I am not in a hurry yet, as much as I would love the money and the recognition. I think it will eventually sell. Right now, while my mom is still alive, she might not care for all the topics I covered, such as her drinking...(or my dad's). My brother might not care for how I portrayed him as a 'pain-in-the-ass-little-brother" who got his way and was spoiled. Even if it is true! Having a bratty bro and drinking parents didn't drive me to find my birth relatives, but they are a part of what made up ME, so I can't write an honest account if I didn't include some of that. (Plus, they make for very memorable and attractive characters!....esp my dad, and his over the top use of the phrase, "Goddamn" with nearly every sentence!) I started out thinking 'just write for now', and the rest will follow. The more I wrote, the more I kept at it and having this piece of history for my kids, who were starting to ask questions was my plan.

So eventually, I will pursue publishing. I joke and say the money will pay my nursing home bill one day if I'm lucky! While my mom is alive and functioning, I need to lay low. It's an ace in the hole to try to sell if the economy gets any more fucked overt than it already is! My bro is in some bad legal troubles right now. Stuff has come out in the local papers about his shabby business deals. I need to protect the family for a while, but I don't really care what my brother's opinion of my writing is. If I embarrass him publicly later on in time, so be it. He has no room to talk now. I just don't want to drag my mother down with some embarrassment over old family business of ours if I don't have to at this time.
P.

I didn't watch any medical or crime shows for a year after Joel died, and even then, it still hurt. You may want to guard your energies by not exposing yourself to certain kinds of input, and that kind of TV show may fall under that heading for you right now. TV is based on drama, on rousing your emotions, and right now, you need to heal.

*hugs*