Ahavah Ehyeh (ahavah) wrote,
Ahavah Ehyeh

It's 3 am

And I had to get up, because when I lay down in the dark, I can't stop thinking about my mom. The one scene, over and over again, where they wheeled her out under my nose when I arrived at the hospital, and she was so tore up that I didn't recognize her at first. Me crying, hyperventilating, and Tina and Lyz seeing me and knowing it was very very bad.

Why does that keep coming to me tonight?

It's bothersome. On many levels.

We have a birthday party to go to in the morning, and I can't get to sleep. I lay there and I see her broken face. How I didn't run to her, because I didn't know it was her, and they pulled me away when I realized. Because of the freckles on her arm, since her face wasn't mom's.

I haven't really thought of that part for a long while. I don't like to think of it. And I sure as hell don't like it constantly floating in my face at three a.m. when I'm trying to sleep.

Why tonight?

Because the lawyer's office called to schedule another chat with me this upcoming week? Because I watched a stupid episode of Scrubs where their wedding was ruined, and they ended up getting married in the hospital?

I just want to sleep. I don't want to have to see that again. The brokenness.

I've done so good lately.

Now I understand a little better why mom took sleeping pills.
Tags: grief, mom
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