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It's 3 am

And I had to get up, because when I lay down in the dark, I can't stop thinking about my mom. The one scene, over and over again, where they wheeled her out under my nose when I arrived at the hospital, and she was so tore up that I didn't recognize her at first. Me crying, hyperventilating, and Tina and Lyz seeing me and knowing it was very very bad.

Why does that keep coming to me tonight?

It's bothersome. On many levels.

We have a birthday party to go to in the morning, and I can't get to sleep. I lay there and I see her broken face. How I didn't run to her, because I didn't know it was her, and they pulled me away when I realized. Because of the freckles on her arm, since her face wasn't mom's.

I haven't really thought of that part for a long while. I don't like to think of it. And I sure as hell don't like it constantly floating in my face at three a.m. when I'm trying to sleep.

Why tonight?

Because the lawyer's office called to schedule another chat with me this upcoming week? Because I watched a stupid episode of Scrubs where their wedding was ruined, and they ended up getting married in the hospital?

I just want to sleep. I don't want to have to see that again. The brokenness.

I've done so good lately.


Now I understand a little better why mom took sleeping pills.

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Comments

( 29 comments — Leave a comment )
theafaye
Jan. 10th, 2009 08:26 am (UTC)
I know it's virtually meaningless but :hugs:
ahavah
Jan. 10th, 2009 08:29 am (UTC)
It's not, actually. Thank you.
tattoosfade
Jan. 10th, 2009 08:48 am (UTC)
oh, sweetheart. This tore me up. My mother has freckles as well. I am so, so sorry. Huge hugs to you, if I could send reiki, I would, but in the meantime good thoughts will have to do <3
ahavah
Jan. 10th, 2009 08:51 am (UTC)
Thank you so much! Good thoughts do just as well as reiki.
shrike_15
Jan. 10th, 2009 12:50 pm (UTC)
* HUGS *

But, please, don't start taking sleeping pills or stuff. It only pushes the feelings into the cellar of unconsciousness.
ahavah
Jan. 11th, 2009 01:23 am (UTC)
Oh, I don't even have any. I used to hate how mom had to take them all the time. It was just yet another thing that made me thing of her last night.

Thank you for all your love.
lanternlady
Jan. 10th, 2009 01:48 pm (UTC)
(((hugs))) and lots of Reiki loven.
ahavah
Jan. 11th, 2009 01:23 am (UTC)
Thank you so much.
catku
Jan. 10th, 2009 03:05 pm (UTC)
*hugs* I hate flashbacks and those sound particularly nasty.

You've had an extreme trauma, but you're strong and managed to find some light in the darkness. But grief is a cycle and you can find yourself in any stage of it at any time, even when you think you've dealt with everything.

Have you considered talking to someone professional about this? Doesn't have to be a psych, could be a confidential church counselor or even a healer that specializes in emotional trauma.

I only ask because I know you've managed ok by yourself, but you've a string of bad luck lately that might be interfering with your self healing attempts. You're very strong and talented, but even healers need help sometimes.

*hugs you tight*
ahavah
Jan. 11th, 2009 01:25 am (UTC)
I did have a therapist, but he upset me with his inability to get what I was saying. I've thought about finding another, but we have some car issues and now we don't qualify for medicaid anymore. I don't have a church anymore either; that's one of the things that really upset me after mom's death. I don't know, it helped to write it out a bit. I'd like to find a good counselor to talk to sometime when everything's a bit more stable.

Thank you. *hugs*
kethlenda
Jan. 10th, 2009 03:22 pm (UTC)
*hugs tight*
ahavah
Jan. 11th, 2009 01:26 am (UTC)
Thanks so much.
weavingfire
Jan. 10th, 2009 04:11 pm (UTC)
Oh sweetie...it will get better.
ahavah
Jan. 11th, 2009 01:26 am (UTC)
Thanks, I hope so.
miintikwa
Jan. 10th, 2009 05:51 pm (UTC)
*hugs*

PTSD is insidious. Please talk to someone. This sounds exactly like what happened to me.
ahavah
Jan. 11th, 2009 01:27 am (UTC)
Like I told someone above, I had a therapist once, but he really just made me more upset than helped. I don't qualify for medicaid anymore, but I'm hoping to find someone after Josh has a job and everything.
miintikwa
Jan. 11th, 2009 01:34 am (UTC)
The *right* therapist can be a godsend, the wrong one is definitely NOT. *hugs* I am sorry you had that experience!
ahavah
Jan. 11th, 2009 01:38 am (UTC)
Well, I gave him four weeks and then I just stopped wasting my time and energy. My sister raves about hers, at a local sliding-scale place, but I really can't be racking up another bill until Josh gets work.
miintikwa
Jan. 11th, 2009 02:34 am (UTC)
I totally understand that.
plastrickland23
Jan. 11th, 2009 06:38 am (UTC)
They say it takes AT LEAST a year to get over this stuff. AT LEAST a year....It took years for me to get my grandmother's not-right face out of my head.
Hugs...Take care...P.
ahavah
Jan. 11th, 2009 06:46 am (UTC)
Yeah, I don't know if that's something I'll ever totally get over. I just try not to think about certain parts of it. I suppose that means I'll have to deal with them jumping up when they feel the need to be dealt with. :/
plastrickland23
Jan. 11th, 2009 06:58 am (UTC)
When my dad passed, I remember having "Good-Dad-Days" and "Bad-Dad-Days". The bad ones kicked in mostly when I was alone...Like driving in the car. Too much time to think isn't always a good idea. (Not enough time to think and process is also not right.) You never totally get over it. You just grow from it and figure out a way to manage better. Having kids helps a lot, and then you pass the stories of their heritage on to them so they know your family too. My parents and my grandmas were real big on telling the old family stories. I suppose that was part of the reason why I wrote my book. I wanted my kids to know, or at least have the info available, about all those people, whether they came from them biologically or just through other influences.
P.
ahavah
Jan. 11th, 2009 04:44 pm (UTC)
That's cool! I don't think I knew about your book. My grandma wrote a small book for me years ago, and mom has a book. Maybe I should do the same. :P
plastrickland23
Jan. 13th, 2009 03:02 am (UTC)
For a long time people told me I should write a book about my adoption experience as an adoptee. I finally got around to starting in 2002, after I met my birth father's kids. (my half-siblings) It starts from my 1st memory up till getting to meet one of my sisters for the 1st time. I tried to avoid making it too liner with "First, I did this and then that happened,..." sort of writing. It ties a lot of things in, including my adoptive and birth relatives and how the two different families, who never knew each other, have come together in full circle in a way. The added plus was that I could write in detail about my 2 grandmas and my dad, who my girls never really got to know, but I sure wish they could have...."
P.
ahavah
Jan. 13th, 2009 01:14 pm (UTC)
Wow, that sounds really awesome! Was it just for your family, or are you getting it published?
plastrickland23
Jan. 13th, 2009 08:36 pm (UTC)
my book
My goal is to get it published one day, but I am not in a hurry yet, as much as I would love the money and the recognition. I think it will eventually sell. Right now, while my mom is still alive, she might not care for all the topics I covered, such as her drinking...(or my dad's). My brother might not care for how I portrayed him as a 'pain-in-the-ass-little-brother" who got his way and was spoiled. Even if it is true! Having a bratty bro and drinking parents didn't drive me to find my birth relatives, but they are a part of what made up ME, so I can't write an honest account if I didn't include some of that. (Plus, they make for very memorable and attractive characters!....esp my dad, and his over the top use of the phrase, "Goddamn" with nearly every sentence!) I started out thinking 'just write for now', and the rest will follow. The more I wrote, the more I kept at it and having this piece of history for my kids, who were starting to ask questions was my plan.

So eventually, I will pursue publishing. I joke and say the money will pay my nursing home bill one day if I'm lucky! While my mom is alive and functioning, I need to lay low. It's an ace in the hole to try to sell if the economy gets any more fucked overt than it already is! My bro is in some bad legal troubles right now. Stuff has come out in the local papers about his shabby business deals. I need to protect the family for a while, but I don't really care what my brother's opinion of my writing is. If I embarrass him publicly later on in time, so be it. He has no room to talk now. I just don't want to drag my mother down with some embarrassment over old family business of ours if I don't have to at this time.
P.
ahavah
Jan. 14th, 2009 02:59 am (UTC)
Re: my book
I understand. Well I wish you the best of luck when you go for it!
thefoxglovelady
Jan. 11th, 2009 04:28 pm (UTC)
I didn't watch any medical or crime shows for a year after Joel died, and even then, it still hurt. You may want to guard your energies by not exposing yourself to certain kinds of input, and that kind of TV show may fall under that heading for you right now. TV is based on drama, on rousing your emotions, and right now, you need to heal.

*hugs*
ahavah
Jan. 11th, 2009 04:51 pm (UTC)
That's true. I found it slightly amusing that a comedy was the one that triggered me, if that's what it was. (I've only seen Scrubs, what, twice? I'm a House girl. :D) Still, Josh had the same thing happen to him so I'm inclined to believe she was just around.
( 29 comments — Leave a comment )

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