Dear World,
Believe it or not, it is totally okay to prefer one or the other. This does not make someone a bad parent, this does not mean they will be disappointed with their child, this does not mean they will treat it any differently, and it does not mean they have their priorities off-track and need a lecture.
No, really!
You know what? I wanted a girl first. Ever since I was a little girl myself, I wanted a daughter first. More than anything. I got it! I was so grateful. So, so grateful. Prayers of gratitude. Much love.
With Ivy, it didn't matter. I honestly didn't care one way or another. Not because I loved her less, or because she didn't matter, or because my moral system is skewed. I just wasn't invested either way.
I love her just as much as I love Eden.
Yes, I am really wanting a boy this time. I know I'm all, "We don't instill gender stereotypes or division in our children." I stand by that. But you know what? Josh wants this to be the last one. And I can't help it that deep down inside, I would really love to have a son.
If it's not, I will love her just as much as I love my others!
I'm getting a little tired of the almost-daily lectures I've gotten. Not by those who know me best, which is reassuring. This makes me believe that those who love me either don't think I'm a bad parent, divisive douche-monster, or, hey, maybe they do and they've just come to terms with it. However, the unsolicited lectures are really starting to bother me.
"Well, you know, when it comes down to it, all that REALLY matters is a healthy baby."
Hey, dude, you've got a point there! That totally never, in all 97 weeks of my life that I have spent pregnant, ever occurred to me.
Who the hell goes around saying, "You know, all I really want is a traumatically unhealthy child!" That's right...nobody. So stop snarling at me like that's exactly what I said. Stop lecturing me on what I should be thinking. No, seriously. And this goes triple for those of you who say this to me after asking if we know what the sex is or if we have a preference. Of course I damn well want a healthy child! I also would like a boy this time. Especially if it ends up being the last time.
And. That. Is. Okay.
If I don't get one, That. Is. Also. Okay.
But, yes, this time I do have a preference. And if you ask, I will tell you about it. And I don't need those looks and reminders that "Well, you know, when it comes down to it, all that really matters is it's healthy." Over and over and over. And over.
I also don't need to be treated like I'm going to not love my child if it's another girl. Because, when it comes down to it, I want THIS baby that I am carrying. If, when she's born, God appears before me and says, "Damn, got your order wrong. Would you like me to take it back and fix that for you, free of charge?", I'm going to clutch her to me with tears in my eyes and beg, "No, Lord, please don't take my baby from me! She is perfect!"
I don't need to be lectured about ~what matters~. I am a mother; I know what matters. I don't need folks acting like I'm a bad activist, woman, or parent. I don't need my friends or family hiding behind anonymity to ask if I am going to treat the new one or the older ones any differently, or if I'm going to love it any less if it's not, or if this means I really don't buy into gender equality. I don't need strangers at work giving me nasty looks &/or lectures for admitting that I have a preference.
I am human.
I have a half-brother, but I never grew up with him. I grew up around all girls. I am curious. And I love my husband, and I would love to see what kind of son we produce together. We have great girls! I just wonder. If Josh didn't want this one to be the last, I wouldn't care. But, yes, I would like to have a son one day. That's all.
And it's not really a bad thing. It's a human thing. For me, anyway. It's part and parcel of this particular experience, and I simply acknowledge it. I have always answered every question honestly. The main question people ask is "Do you know what you're having?" So if we get into a discussion about why I like the surprise, and yes, I have kids, two other daughters, and yeah, we're hoping this one's a boy this time...
Smile and say, "Oh, that'd be nice!" or "Hope you get one!" or "Good luck!" or just plain smile and nod. But drop the looks of disdain. And if you can't, then stop freaking asking those questions! Because I'm not going to give some trite PC answer that doesn't at all reflect this particular experience. I'm owning it. It's fine. Really.
Boy, she'll have a fit if she ever goes back and reads this post.
Believe it or not, it is totally okay to prefer one or the other. This does not make someone a bad parent, this does not mean they will be disappointed with their child, this does not mean they will treat it any differently, and it does not mean they have their priorities off-track and need a lecture.
No, really!
You know what? I wanted a girl first. Ever since I was a little girl myself, I wanted a daughter first. More than anything. I got it! I was so grateful. So, so grateful. Prayers of gratitude. Much love.
With Ivy, it didn't matter. I honestly didn't care one way or another. Not because I loved her less, or because she didn't matter, or because my moral system is skewed. I just wasn't invested either way.
I love her just as much as I love Eden.
Yes, I am really wanting a boy this time. I know I'm all, "We don't instill gender stereotypes or division in our children." I stand by that. But you know what? Josh wants this to be the last one. And I can't help it that deep down inside, I would really love to have a son.
If it's not, I will love her just as much as I love my others!
I'm getting a little tired of the almost-daily lectures I've gotten. Not by those who know me best, which is reassuring. This makes me believe that those who love me either don't think I'm a bad parent, divisive douche-monster, or, hey, maybe they do and they've just come to terms with it. However, the unsolicited lectures are really starting to bother me.
"Well, you know, when it comes down to it, all that REALLY matters is a healthy baby."
Hey, dude, you've got a point there! That totally never, in all 97 weeks of my life that I have spent pregnant, ever occurred to me.
Who the hell goes around saying, "You know, all I really want is a traumatically unhealthy child!" That's right...nobody. So stop snarling at me like that's exactly what I said. Stop lecturing me on what I should be thinking. No, seriously. And this goes triple for those of you who say this to me after asking if we know what the sex is or if we have a preference. Of course I damn well want a healthy child! I also would like a boy this time. Especially if it ends up being the last time.
And. That. Is. Okay.
If I don't get one, That. Is. Also. Okay.
But, yes, this time I do have a preference. And if you ask, I will tell you about it. And I don't need those looks and reminders that "Well, you know, when it comes down to it, all that really matters is it's healthy." Over and over and over. And over.
I also don't need to be treated like I'm going to not love my child if it's another girl. Because, when it comes down to it, I want THIS baby that I am carrying. If, when she's born, God appears before me and says, "Damn, got your order wrong. Would you like me to take it back and fix that for you, free of charge?", I'm going to clutch her to me with tears in my eyes and beg, "No, Lord, please don't take my baby from me! She is perfect!"
I don't need to be lectured about ~what matters~. I am a mother; I know what matters. I don't need folks acting like I'm a bad activist, woman, or parent. I don't need my friends or family hiding behind anonymity to ask if I am going to treat the new one or the older ones any differently, or if I'm going to love it any less if it's not, or if this means I really don't buy into gender equality. I don't need strangers at work giving me nasty looks &/or lectures for admitting that I have a preference.
I am human.
I have a half-brother, but I never grew up with him. I grew up around all girls. I am curious. And I love my husband, and I would love to see what kind of son we produce together. We have great girls! I just wonder. If Josh didn't want this one to be the last, I wouldn't care. But, yes, I would like to have a son one day. That's all.
And it's not really a bad thing. It's a human thing. For me, anyway. It's part and parcel of this particular experience, and I simply acknowledge it. I have always answered every question honestly. The main question people ask is "Do you know what you're having?" So if we get into a discussion about why I like the surprise, and yes, I have kids, two other daughters, and yeah, we're hoping this one's a boy this time...
Smile and say, "Oh, that'd be nice!" or "Hope you get one!" or "Good luck!" or just plain smile and nod. But drop the looks of disdain. And if you can't, then stop freaking asking those questions! Because I'm not going to give some trite PC answer that doesn't at all reflect this particular experience. I'm owning it. It's fine. Really.
Boy, she'll have a fit if she ever goes back and reads this post.
- Current Location:SE MO
- Current Mood:Not quite as irate as it seems
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Comments
I don't think that made either of us bad people. It definitely hasn't made David a bad dad that he didn't get his little boy - he adores her.
And it doesn't make you a bad person at all. It makes you human and honest that you have a preference. I'm rooting for an XY for you :-)
On a more serious note (and I'm not espousing this for you at all, I'm just relating a story) I had a friend who really wanted a girl and got a 2nd tri ultrasound just to find out the sex (among seeing all the healthy bits in general). She wanted to know what the sex was because if it *was* a boy, she wanted time to adjust to the idea. And hey, it turns out she was having a boy, and she loves him to pieces. I'm sure she would have loved him every bit as much *without* an ultrasound, but she got her coping and peace of mind well in advance of the birth.
Obviously, if you don't want an ultrasound, that's totally your perogative--I more wanted to say that OF COURSE you'll love your baby regardless of its sex. The haters should look at your postpartum offspring to determine whether you're a terrible mother/human being or not--and if they did, I don't think they'd have a leg to stand on. :)
I'll admit, because I *am* wanting one way or another, I almost wanted to get an ultrasound. But I do like the tradition of finding out at birth. And, secretly, I think I may be able to talk Josh into just one more try, if it comes to it. ;)
If I knew I'd have a boy, I'd try again in a minute. But not being able to pick the sex of said un-fertilized egg... I'm not willing to risk the terrible pregnancy that would ensue without that guarantee though. That might make me a horrible person, but so what. :D
No, it doesn't make you a horrible person at all! Everyone's hopes and wants are perfectly valid. It's also one of the great joys of living in the days of birth control! (Assuming you get one that works, har har. This is the only baby we've actually planned. ><)
I know, for me (I don't have kids yet, and can't wait.) I want my first to be a girl. I always wanted a little girl, and want my eldest to be one. Does that mean I'd love a boy any less? Absolutely not. But my hope is for a girl, and I'll be totally honest about that.
(not that you don't have funny moments when not pissed, lol, but - you know... )
And then when he was born, I wondered why on earth I'd ever wanted a girl, particularly since all the girls I knew were such little madams and he was so cool. Whatever comes out, you love it.
Second time around, I had no preference. Two brothers close in age would have been just as cool as one of each. And then when we had one of each, I REALLY had no preference third time around. Fourth time, my husband said no more unless I could guarantee a girl, which we got. Fifth time, I didn't realise just how much I wanted a boy until we saw his balls on the scan and I was unbelieveably happy. Each time is different and however you feel is how you feel. Nobody should have to defend their feelings, especially since it's all theoretical and will make NO DIFFERENCE to you once the baby's here.
Each time is different and however you feel is how you feel. Nobody should have to defend their feelings, especially since it's all theoretical and will make NO DIFFERENCE to you once the baby's here.
I really, really like that. You worded it so much better than I did!
With all that being said, I hope you get your son.
(Thanks for allowing me an oppurtunity to vent!)
I imagine I would be a whole lot more hurt and upset if one of my girls *did* have a birth defect. How insensitive of people! I would have snarked the hell out of them right to their face instead of let off steam here. And, really, even if the baby does have a defect, it's not like you'd love it any less then anyway! Of course, I don't think anyone around here really realizes how smacking of ableism that is.
Anyway, you're always welcome to vent around here! Obviously it is something I encourage. lol
I think I should start soon though, whenever families with lots of little girls come into the cafe I work at I can't help but wish they were mine :-)
What.. like what they say matters? Bunch of BS I say. How you could you be any less than yourself and honest in your fervent hope for a son. Not like you're going to love a child less. And it's ok to be disappointed if it isn't a boy.
It's like all these plastic perfect mom's these days who want to be BFF's with their kids instead of being a PARENT. People can be so dumb.
And as for the people who have to respond with platitudes about "blessings of a healthy child is all you should desire" all well and good when it's not their emotions.
fuck em I say!