Ahavah Ehyeh (ahavah) wrote,
Ahavah Ehyeh

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How Do You Cope?

I'm really struggling lately, and I'm not sure why. Part of it is having no friends. I do have one friend, who is a life-saver, and I have Josh, but he can't be everything for me.

I guess it hurts because I thought I had more friends. Ever since I quit facebook, no one talks to me anymore. I've tried emailing people, even family, and I get nothing but one-liners in response. I tried getting together with people who used to be my friends, but I either get blown off or not responded to at all. Two people whom I really, really liked seemed to stop being my friend after I 'came out' to them (like two years ago), which gets me pretty upset when I think about it.

I think part of my problem is that I'm just so rural. I'm an hour or more from anyone or anything, and we have no heat in our truck, so that hour drive is miserable. Yet I do it all the time to try to get out of the house, stave off cabin fever, visit my one friend, visit the gym (I keep hearing physical activity is supposed to help...), do all our shopping, and now Christmas shopping as well. I'm about to stop making that drive all the time, and then I'll be stuck here with no contact to the outside world anymore. I doubt that will help.

Maybe some of it is coming down off the NaNoWriMo high. And some may be the frustrating fact that no Doberman breeders will respond to me in my eternal search for a service dog. Maybe some is that we're getting closer to my Momma's birthday, and I always think of her more in May & December. And my sister Lyz. Dear God, how I miss my sister! I miss my brother, too, but I never had him, sad to say. I'm used to missing him.

Anyway, I just don't get it. I'm still eager to revise and work on my book. I'm excited about learning guitar and these other Coursera courses I'm taking. I cuddle and play with my kids. I color, train & play with the dog, attempt to read, reiki self-healings, etc. I know logically that I like these things and they should make me happy. But I just want to cry all the time anymore. And I had some new medicine that was seriously helping, and it's like it just suddenly stopped one day.

What do you do when you don't want to do anything, but you can't go on like this? I've tried all the things that make me happy. I can't even concentrate on reading anymore! I've been cleaning the house more, hoping that would help. I try to be productive. I try to write, but it's all sucking because my brain won't work again. It keeps me from crying in bed all day, but it doesn't help, you know? None of my usual happy-things are helping. I can't go explore new things because we're too far away/too cold/too broke. I could seriously use some guidance and suggestions. I'm literally at the point where I don't know what to do, but I can't go on like this.

Maybe there's nothing I can do. Maybe this is just how I'll spend this life and I should learn to deal with it, happily or not.

I am open to suggestions &/or humorous things guaranteed to improve one's mood.
Tags: friends, grief, health, help, lgbtq, life

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