Ahavah Ehyeh (ahavah) wrote,
Ahavah Ehyeh

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Thoughts & Decisions

A friend of mine died yesterday, and I think I've been extra upset about it in the wake of my cousin's death. This friend, I'm not sure how old she was, but she was probably around my age (30s, maybe early 40s). She was so young and vibrant, and she was someone who's really been doing something wonderful in the world. We were only internet friends, so we weren't that close, but I knew her back from the halcyon LJ days and we've been friends for probably a good decade. My memory has gotten so bad that I can't even remember what her LJ handle was. The world is a poorer place without Anne, and she leaves behind two amazing young boys who deserve to have their mom around.

I've been really struggling with this spectre of death I'm seeing everywhere. I know that I'm not as healthy as I should be, and I fear that I haven't accomplished anything I'm meant to. My mom's early death was an accident (car accident), but now I'm terrified of dying too young and missing my girls' lives. At least I'm trying to kick my butt into gear and make some healthy changes, but I'm finding it hard to get out of this rather dark period.

I decided to default on the [community profile] chocolateboxcomm exchange, even though it's only 300 words, and I feel horrible about it. I've just got too much sad and dark stuff going on to be able to write a decent story for someone. I'm finding it hard to get into fanfiction at all right now. I figured I'd default while there was still hopefully time for a better writer to fulfill my recipient's awesome prompts. They had one I really, really liked, but I just can't get myself in the proper writing space right now.

I'll probably regret it, but I decided not to sign up for [community profile] worldbuildingex. Worldbuilding is my jam, too, so I was really looking forward to it. I nominated some cool stuff, especially in the Kushielverse, that I would have loved stories about. Oh well. I'll still watch the comm, and maybe some good stories will come out of it. I feel bad to be putting all this fun stuff on the backburner, but I think it's for the best given how much I'm struggling at the moment.

I'm finding it hard to focus on reading, too, and I'm wondering if my impressions/potential reviews aren't harsher right now because of it. I don't know if I'm struggling through two really crappy books or if I'm just in too much of a crappy headspace.

On the plus side, I have a lot of doctor appointments coming up this month, so I hope to get a bit further along with figuring out some of my health issues. I really wish this well issue hadn't happened now, and I'd be saving toward my service dog fund, but now getting water is taking priority. It's looking like it may not happen until tax time. Getting the well fixed, that is. It's increasingly looking like getting a service dog won't happen at all.

I miss my days of having 'productivity buddies'. Either here, on FB, or on chatzy, a bunch of us would often do writing &/or chore sprints together and report back in every hour with our accomplishments. Having to report in to people really helped me keep on track (and not, say, sleep the day away as I have the last two...). If anyone is interested in being an accountability buddy and checking in periodically, please let me know! I could use the help right now.
Tags: communities, death, friends, goals, grief, help, worldbuilding, writing

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