I arrived at K'Sitew's house around 7 pm EST, so I missed the attunement part of the full moon ceremony. K'Sitew said he gave me my fourth hoop after the totem ceremony, but I was already back out of sacred space and had no real impressions of this one. I know that during my prayer-tie ceremony, I had infused them with Reiki and all 4 symbols, & asked for a hoop. That one was light purple/lavendar, and I sent it to myself for the ceremony, that I might remain open & receptive to finding my totem spirit.
I no longer had my print & supplies, so I had to make due. After much searching, I finally found a shirt that was 100% cotton. It was a light green/white gingham-type print. I cut four 2-inch squares, filled them with (eep: self-rising) cornmeal, and tied them with pink thread. I repeated my prayers the whole time, then added the Reiki, asked a tree at my mom's house for permission (thanks, whoever mentioned that), and let them be taken to air.
Here was my prayer:
Thank you, God, for your guiding presence in my life.
Thank you, God, for the continuous awareness of Your presence.
Thank you, God, for the Life growing within me, and for all the many blessings in my life.
Thank you for helping me to align myself with my Higher Purpose, to open and release all blockages to my Highest Good, and to serve You through all of my thoughts, words, and deeds.
Now for the totem meditation:
I will preface by saying that I had a totem meditation once before, but I saw a plethora of creatures and there was no 'One' who made himself clear to me. I also have an affinity for Turtles, which my love Josh said he thought was my totem. It started as a story I made long ago, wherein my alter-ego became a moo-ing, bad-poetry-writing turtle named Guiseppi. I gradually acquired a Terrapin Station tattoo and a budding turtle collection. I also have a kinship with Buffalo, stemming from a horrid experience involving one very pregnant Amanda and a brown, long haired, 'ruff'-collared sweater...I guess I feared they would become self-fulfilling totems, so to speak, and I've really been wanting to find my totem for years now.
Consequently (although I'll try to leave those parts out), I was very riddled with doubt throughout the journey. I knew I would be, and I just worked on bringing my attention back to the intention, repeating "I am Open & Receptive".
K'Sitew led vocally, and I was in the woods next to a large stream. I started following the trail, and immediately I saw a Hawk fly overhead. I remembered someone saying they would come in hawk-form, so I looked up and thought 'I know you'. I smiled and waved (did you see me?) I followed the stream, seeing various fish. Mostly it was the iridescent reflection of sunlight and water on scales, but I think I saw some trout and maybe even a golden koi. (Not exactly a WNC stream fish).
I followed along to the waterfall, which was actually pretty small but inviting. Even before K'Sitew said so, I knew there was a cave behind it. When I entered, it was my generic-mind-cave (I have two that stem from my youngest years reading Clan of the Cavebear -- a large and a small -- that fit all purposes for me when I'm envisioning a cave). So it felt familiar and safe, but it was only different by the torches on the walls. I still felt compelled to take one in hand for the journey. I didn't see it, but I knew there was a bear in the cave. My monkey mind started telling me: this is only from the books, it's not really your totem...etc. (I told you about the doubt). I just kept going, trusting that I would find the right one at the time.
As K'Sitew led, he said that we would come out and have an impression of light. He said, "Is it daylight or moonlight?" I heard a very clear voice (before I even saw the light) say, "It's twilight." Sure enough, as I came out, the sun was just setting and it got darker as I stayed for my experience.
I came out into the valley, which was incorporated into a large meadow I have visited during several other meditations. The meadow is my 'sacred space'. Being a valley this time, I noticed that the surrounding mountains were quite large and even had snow-capped peaks. A forest ran to my left. I was led to my rock 'throne', which was sitting against the forest and overlooking the valley. A Butterfly led me to my throne (I had pet butterflies twice), and as I sat down, I noticed a small turtle resting on the ground just beside the right of my throne. I was happy to see him, but I knew he was not who I was there to meet.
A medium-sized light-brown/beige bird flew overhead, dropping a garland of white flowers onto my head. I'm sad to say that I know very little of birds, and this was not one of the 5-6 I can actually name by sight. I also heard many, many birds singing in the trees behind me. My 2-yr old daughter, Eden, has a close kinship with birds. As soon as I sat on my throne, I began to understand their words. They said, "Tell Eden we said hi!" I laughed, but I told her as soon as I got home.
I saw Rabbit watching from the left, and I heard a Snake somewhere behind me. I looked to the left edge of the forest, and I saw Buffalo's head peaking out at me. She nodded at me, and I returned the gesture. I looked forward and saw a large Moose coming from across the valley. (Has anyone seen Brother Bear? He smiled at me and said 'Eh!' before trotting off to the forest).
Then my totem animal was introduced, and he came out suddenly just as K'Sitew said to look for him. It was a sleek grey wolf, and I was surprised. (Not sure why...) He came over, but he seemed to change between grey and silver as he walked. I thought it was my imagination, or the waning Twilight, but then he also changed to white. For the duration, he slipped between the three colors. When he was white, he ceased to be sleek and instead looked decidedly 'poofy'. I did a google image search, and the Arctic Wolf fit that incarnation exactly, but he sleeked back whenever he changed to grey.
He came over to my left side. Guiding, K'Sitew said he would have a message for me. I asked him, Wolf, and he said, "Love." He cocked his head. "Love, and you can do anything." I thanked him. I wanted to reach out to him, but I was hesitant. K'Sitew's voice began to lead me back to the cave from which I had come. Wolf walked along with me. Just before we reached the cave, I turned to him and asked (with all of my insecurity and self-doubt), "Are you REALLY my totem?" He looked back at me with those big liquid eyes -- I think he was silver then -- and said, "I can be." I suspect I must have a few, but he is probably primary right now.
We reached the mouth of the cave and Wolf stopped, white this time. I looked back at him and asked, "Are you going to walk with me?" He seemed to smile at me. "I usually do." And then I reached out, and he let me touch his nose. It was cold and wet, and he licked it when I moved my hand.
We went back through the cave together, and he continued beside me as I went through the waterfall and back up the trail. I had the distinct impression that he wanted to stay with me as I 'awoke'. I thanked him again, and then I was back.
Thanks again, everyone!
Oh! And I also had an impression of a large cat somewhere watching over, but I was not able to see him. Maybe he was connected with my baby somehow. Funny, I don't think I was pregnant in the meditation. I was considerably thinner, too, as I was before kids. My mind-Manda, I suppose.