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Meeting My Totem

Since so many people have showed an interest in how I came to meet my totem, I went back through the Medicine Reiki Yahoo Group and found my write-up for the ceremony. It was done when I was pregnant with Ivy, and some of my Medicine Reiki friends participated in the ceremony and lent their energies. I also prepared Prayer Ties, as is Medicine Reiki custom. So without further ado, here's how I met my totem:





I arrived at K'Sitew's house around 7 pm EST, so I missed the attunement part of the full moon ceremony. K'Sitew said he gave me my fourth hoop after the totem ceremony, but I was already back out of sacred space and had no real impressions of this one. I know that during my prayer-tie ceremony, I had infused them with Reiki and all 4 symbols, & asked for a hoop. That one was light purple/lavendar, and I sent it to myself for the ceremony, that I might remain open & receptive to finding my totem spirit.

I no longer had my print & supplies, so I had to make due. After much searching, I finally found a shirt that was 100% cotton. It was a light green/white gingham-type print. I cut four 2-inch squares, filled them with (eep: self-rising) cornmeal, and tied them with pink thread. I repeated my prayers the whole time, then added the Reiki, asked a tree at my mom's house for permission (thanks, whoever mentioned that), and let them be taken to air.

Here was my prayer:

Thank you, God, for your guiding presence in my life.
Thank you, God, for the continuous awareness of Your presence.
Thank you, God, for the Life growing within me, and for all the many blessings in my life.
Thank you for helping me to align myself with my Higher Purpose, to open and release all blockages to my Highest Good, and to serve You through all of my thoughts, words, and deeds.
Amen.

Now for the totem meditation:

I will preface by saying that I had a totem meditation once before, but I saw a plethora of creatures and there was no 'One' who made himself clear to me. I also have an affinity for Turtles, which my love Josh said he thought was my totem. It started as a story I made long ago, wherein my alter-ego became a moo-ing, bad-poetry-writing turtle named Guiseppi. I gradually acquired a Terrapin Station tattoo and a budding turtle collection. I also have a kinship with Buffalo, stemming from a horrid experience involving one very pregnant Amanda and a brown, long haired, 'ruff'-collared sweater...I guess I feared they would become self-fulfilling totems, so to speak, and I've really been wanting to find my totem for years now.

Consequently (although I'll try to leave those parts out), I was very riddled with doubt throughout the journey. I knew I would be, and I just worked on bringing my attention back to the intention, repeating "I am Open & Receptive".

K'Sitew led vocally, and I was in the woods next to a large stream. I started following the trail, and immediately I saw a Hawk fly overhead. I remembered someone saying they would come in hawk-form, so I looked up and thought 'I know you'. I smiled and waved (did you see me?) I followed the stream, seeing various fish. Mostly it was the iridescent reflection of sunlight and water on scales, but I think I saw some trout and maybe even a golden koi. (Not exactly a WNC stream fish).

I followed along to the waterfall, which was actually pretty small but inviting. Even before K'Sitew said so, I knew there was a cave behind it. When I entered, it was my generic-mind-cave (I have two that stem from my youngest years reading Clan of the Cavebear -- a large and a small -- that fit all purposes for me when I'm envisioning a cave). So it felt familiar and safe, but it was only different by the torches on the walls. I still felt compelled to take one in hand for the journey. I didn't see it, but I knew there was a bear in the cave. My monkey mind started telling me: this is only from the books, it's not really your totem...etc. (I told you about the doubt). I just kept going, trusting that I would find the right one at the time.

As K'Sitew led, he said that we would come out and have an impression of light. He said, "Is it daylight or moonlight?" I heard a very clear voice (before I even saw the light) say, "It's twilight." Sure enough, as I came out, the sun was just setting and it got darker as I stayed for my experience.

I came out into the valley, which was incorporated into a large meadow I have visited during several other meditations. The meadow is my 'sacred space'. Being a valley this time, I noticed that the surrounding mountains were quite large and even had snow-capped peaks. A forest ran to my left. I was led to my rock 'throne', which was sitting against the forest and overlooking the valley. A Butterfly led me to my throne (I had pet butterflies twice), and as I sat down, I noticed a small turtle resting on the ground just beside the right of my throne. I was happy to see him, but I knew he was not who I was there to meet.

A medium-sized light-brown/beige bird flew overhead, dropping a garland of white flowers onto my head. I'm sad to say that I know very little of birds, and this was not one of the 5-6 I can actually name by sight. I also heard many, many birds singing in the trees behind me. My 2-yr old daughter, Eden, has a close kinship with birds. As soon as I sat on my throne, I began to understand their words. They said, "Tell Eden we said hi!" I laughed, but I told her as soon as I got home.

I saw Rabbit watching from the left, and I heard a Snake somewhere behind me. I looked to the left edge of the forest, and I saw Buffalo's head peaking out at me. She nodded at me, and I returned the gesture. I looked forward and saw a large Moose coming from across the valley. (Has anyone seen Brother Bear? He smiled at me and said 'Eh!' before trotting off to the forest).

Then my totem animal was introduced, and he came out suddenly just as K'Sitew said to look for him. It was a sleek grey wolf, and I was surprised. (Not sure why...) He came over, but he seemed to change between grey and silver as he walked. I thought it was my imagination, or the waning Twilight, but then he also changed to white. For the duration, he slipped between the three colors. When he was white, he ceased to be sleek and instead looked decidedly 'poofy'. I did a google image search, and the Arctic Wolf fit that incarnation exactly, but he sleeked back whenever he changed to grey.

He came over to my left side. Guiding, K'Sitew said he would have a message for me. I asked him, Wolf, and he said, "Love." He cocked his head. "Love, and you can do anything." I thanked him. I wanted to reach out to him, but I was hesitant. K'Sitew's voice began to lead me back to the cave from which I had come. Wolf walked along with me. Just before we reached the cave, I turned to him and asked (with all of my insecurity and self-doubt), "Are you REALLY my totem?" He looked back at me with those big liquid eyes -- I think he was silver then -- and said, "I can be." I suspect I must have a few, but he is probably primary right now.

We reached the mouth of the cave and Wolf stopped, white this time. I looked back at him and asked, "Are you going to walk with me?" He seemed to smile at me. "I usually do." And then I reached out, and he let me touch his nose. It was cold and wet, and he licked it when I moved my hand.

We went back through the cave together, and he continued beside me as I went through the waterfall and back up the trail. I had the distinct impression that he wanted to stay with me as I 'awoke'. I thanked him again, and then I was back.

Thanks again, everyone!

Many Blessings,
Amanda

Oh! And I also had an impression of a large cat somewhere watching over, but I was not able to see him. Maybe he was connected with my baby somehow. Funny, I don't think I was pregnant in the meditation. I was considerably thinner, too, as I was before kids. My mind-Manda, I suppose.

Comments

( 19 comments — Leave a comment )
tmmason511
Apr. 20th, 2006 07:34 pm (UTC)
wow...that sounds amazing!
ahavah
Apr. 20th, 2006 08:31 pm (UTC)
Thanks! It was very powerful. :)
wolf091972
Apr. 20th, 2006 08:40 pm (UTC)
I do agree! That was amazing! I've had a wolf totem for a long time now. They changed from grey to now white. Wolf energy is amazing but it can be a lonely road. We are also pack animals but the message is right. The world needs so much more love now... more so than ever.

If you ever want to talk about the wolfie energy, do let me know. :)

ahavah
Apr. 20th, 2006 08:43 pm (UTC)
I'd love to! I've still not worked with him a lot, but I plan to. He did help me meet a couple Reiki Guides. I'll be posting that next, I think.

Have you noticed a difference between the energies of the grey and white wolf? I have to admit that I'm not sure what his shifting meant. I've come to think of him as a 'Spirit Wolf', but I don't really know what that means.
wolf091972
Apr. 21st, 2006 12:43 am (UTC)
Well, it is different for everyone. For me, it started out as the "lone wolf". I was trying to find my pack. Wolves can survive alone but they do need and thrive with their pack. I then became "grey wolf". For me, I had many things go on in my life. I had two divorces, two children (one I have custody of), and a heap of things that happened in my past. I work for the light though but I had to "shed" off some of these problems that happened. I did a lot of work on myself from there to heal from my past. After a while, I got a message from my new totem, the white wolf.

So for me, the grey wolf had more dark in it. Not because I was dark, but it was because I had a lot of pain I had to heal from. (Wolfie had some scars, I'll have to say that). Now that I'm more of a white wolf, the past doesn't affect me at all and I am able to do lightwork more effectively.

Well, he is now with you.... close your eyes and ask him. What is he there for? Why does he change colors like that?
ahavah
Apr. 21st, 2006 12:53 am (UTC)
Thank you for sharing. Yes, I was also working to shed myself of things from the past. I haven't worked with him as closely as I feel I should, but that's something I'm going to remedy. Maybe next time I'll ask him why he changes colors.
wolf091972
Apr. 21st, 2006 02:48 am (UTC)
Let us know! :) I'd love to hear what you find out.
lovesprout
Apr. 21st, 2006 02:15 am (UTC)
thank you so much for sharing!
ahavah
Apr. 21st, 2006 02:20 am (UTC)
My pleasure! Thank you. :)
lanternlady
Apr. 21st, 2006 01:36 pm (UTC)
That was simply fabulous! I have chills from head to toe. Thank you for sharing.
ahavah
Apr. 21st, 2006 01:44 pm (UTC)
Thank you, lanternlady! I'm glad you enjoyed it.
(Anonymous)
Dec. 7th, 2008 06:57 pm (UTC)
My wolf totem
i have had a wolf totem since i was 3 yrs old. when i went to my mom's friend's house with her and my grandma i was attacked by her wolf that she raised.
They ended up sewing her and i am scared on my face forever. i look at my scares as a blessing and i know not many people get attacked by wolfs so i am very glad to where the markings. since i have read all of the clan of the cave bear books i have learned to except my scares and now i believe i have the totem of the wolf and people do say i act like a wolf sometimes. since i was little i have stalked, i have loved other people but i am cautious of strangers and a lot more.
(Anonymous)
Dec. 7th, 2008 07:00 pm (UTC)
Breanna
i love the books so much and i wanted to know when is the next clan of the cave bear book coming out? And what is the name of the book? How many books will thier be all together?
ahavah
Dec. 15th, 2008 10:27 pm (UTC)
Re: My wolf totem
Hi, Breanna, thanks so much for stopping by my journal! That's a crazy story you have. I'm so sorry you were scarred, but it's wonderful that you've accepted your scars and forgiven Wolf enough to embrace him as a totem. My mom was attacked by a dog once, and she never was comfortable with any that she hadn't raised herself.

As far as the Clan of the Cavebear books, the fifth book finally came out a couple years ago. It's Shelters of Stone, where Ayla finally meets Jondalar's family. It took 12 years for that one to come out, so who knows when we can expect the next one? Jean Auel had originally said that there will be 6, but after SoS I heard that it may take a couple more books.
(Anonymous)
Apr. 10th, 2010 09:39 pm (UTC)
My Wolf Spirit
I have had my wolf spirit since i was 5 years old. He is an abnormally tall wolf, about 5' 4", midnight black, blueish eyes( they look like dragon eyes), has blue striped markings on his face and a crescent moon pointing to the right. He also has a gold chain with a glowing blue-green aura sphere attached to it along with four gold bands on all of his feet. I see him when he appears, which is pretty much 24/7. I see other people's spirits too. I've dealt with this for years and help others find theirs.
ahavah
Apr. 10th, 2010 09:43 pm (UTC)
Re: My Wolf Spirit
That's awesome! I wish you'd signed it somehow. Have we met?

Thanks for sharing!
(Anonymous)
Apr. 10th, 2010 10:14 pm (UTC)
Re: My Wolf Spirit
No I don't think we've met. I see spirits like i do my own guide. No problem, I'm glad I posted
ahavah
Apr. 10th, 2010 10:27 pm (UTC)
Re: My Wolf Spirit
Very cool. I've seen spirits before, but not regularly. I can sometimes contact them when I Journey though. I thought maybe we'd met somewhere, since this is a rather old post. I'm glad to know it's still resonating with someone!
(Anonymous)
Apr. 10th, 2010 10:35 pm (UTC)
Re: My Wolf Spirit
Yeah no problem. I go to the spirit realms daily when I meditate. I some how have the ability to see through my totem's eyes when I'm physically weakened and my senses are of that of a dog in general. I love helping spirits and totem's when they need me to. I've been busy in a spirit war lately, but if you want to somehow contact me find a Blue-red phoenix named Kai, tell her a message and she'll tell me.
( 19 comments — Leave a comment )

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