I thought I would talk about memories in general today. My earliest memories are from when I was two, when my mom was pregnant with my sister. I remember thinking I heard a heartbeat in my own stomach too, so I was also pregnant, which mom got pretty mad about when I wouldn't believe elsewise. I also remember riding my tricycle backwards on the porch and falling off and fracturing my elbow, and I remember bits and pieces of the hospital trip. I have a few other memories from mom's pregnancy.
Actually, my VERY earliest memory is being an infant in a car seat and getting upset when mom ran into a store without me. I'm not sure how old I was, but I had to have been pretty young. I don't think I could talk yet.
I remember moving to Arizona and going to Merry Moppets Preschool, where my mother was a teacher. I thought it was so cool to call my mom 'Teacher'. They tricked me into switching classes when I turned four, as they promised I could return to mom's class if I didn't like it. Well, I didn't like it, and they lied.
I remember moving to South Carolina. We lived in a trailer park that had a pool, and once my sister almost drowned. This is where I first remember being afraid of bees. My dad is horribly allergic and would run scared from them, and I think seeing my Daddy afraid of something put the fear of it into me. I would eventually find out that I'm fairly allergic myself, though not as bad as dad. I still swell up horribly and get really sick whenever I get stung – which is in the eye more often than chance should dictate – so I have a healthy reason to be afraid. Anyway, I also remember that we had some neighbors who would often take us to Jim Bakker's theme park.
My parents split up, and we moved back to Illinois between the ages of 5-7. I have a lot of memories from this time. After we moved to North Carolina and my mom met my would-become-abusive stepdad, I would often fantasize about our IL life. I thought of it relentlessly and wished we could all go back to where we were happy. Because of this, I remember more about those years between 5 and 7 than I remember about last week.
My memories start getting hazier after stepdad entered the picture. I remember far too much, mostly bad, and I know I blocked a lot out. Once I was done with school and out on my own, I started having my 'party phase', which I'm sure has contributed to loss of memory.
I started seriously losing my memories a few years ago. To be honest, I thought I had a stroke. There was one night where I lost my words, and my memory started getting spottier after that. There were times when I would be driving and just completely forget where I was going and why. There were a few instances where I almost forgot to pick up the kids from summer camp, which should have been obvious for me since we homeschooled at the time and I was used to them in the house all the time.
I still have trouble creating new memories, but I'm trying to get better. I've been practicing with remembering names, and I've seen a vast improvement there. I try to stay more present in the moment and commit those moments to memory. I pick times with Josh or the kids that I especially like and spend time thinking about them, hoping to lock them in there. I think I'm seeing improvement. It's hard losing my memory after being the one known for a particularly good one my whole life. I'm trying to get that back.