My “For the Love of All Holiness, Please Don’t!” Peeve List
These are my peeves and not a personal attack on *anyone*. I love everybody on the internet.
1. “Forgive me if this is off-topic/inappropriate, please feel free to delete”
If it’s off-topic or inappropriate, then DON’T POST IT HERE! If you have to ask forgiveness in your very first sentence, then DON’T POST IT! And incidently, that should be a semi-colon and not a comma. Yes, I’m a grammar nazi. More on that later.
2. ”Hi, I’m sorry if this has been covered before, See 1. but how do you…"
Well first, you start by SCROLLING DOWN THE PAGE and seeing if the question was asked in the last two days. Surprise! In 7 out of 10 instances, it’s on the very same page as your question. Another 1/10 of the time, it can be found by checking the memories & tags.
a.) Do NOT write a post similar to:
Dork grunted and stretched, opening his eyes as the morning sunlight filtered into the cave. “Make me some tea,” he signed to the nearest woman, then strolled outside to relieve himself against his favorite tree. “Ursus, it’s sunny,” he thought as he watched his stream.
OK, if this is followed by a giant leopard jumping from the tree and mauling Dork across the face, then this is an acceptable opening. As decent writing, THIS SUCKS HAIRY NEANDERTHAL ASS! If your post doesn’t move the story along, write one that does.
b.) “Ok,” Nada answered, and went to make him some tea.
NOT A POST! “Yes” – Not a post! “Um, let me ask the Medicine Woman.” – Not a post! Cripes, people. It’s a *writing* group.
c.) Elvis sat around and twiddled his thumbs, because he didn’t know what to do until Amanda returned to respond to Post #57832
*blink* I said I was on hiatus, and puppet my characters. That’s permission, dipshit. And if someone doesn’t respond within 3 days anyway, continue posting and moving your characters along.
d.) Smokey and The Bandit were so excited about their wedding day. If only the Moderator would hurry up and arrive to begin the ceremony.
Please see #3. a), b), & c)
4. Discussion Boards:
a.) You write an intro post, asking for “Thoughts?” This develops into a whole debate thread on X vs. Y. You post back, “I’m at the point where I’m sorry I joined this group. I’m feeling picked on from every direction! I’m a victim! Woe!”
It’s a DISCUSSION GROUP and you asked for THOUGHTS. Especially since your post was just a springboard for actual *issues* that needed to be *discussed*. Next time, please specify “Thoughts (that agree with everything I’ve just posted)?”
b.) People who can’t delete the WHOLE ENTIRE DIGEST when replying.
c.) Jackasses who say, “Not to name any names, but…” and then go on to describe a specific person on the list in great, unquestionable detail.
5. “I disobeyed my Master. Please tell me what He [see below] should do to me. Sorry, I can’t give out the details.”
Please see #2. Also, consider reading a book, &/or finding a Master who can think (or look online/read a book himself).
6. “Master is gone, and i [see below] don’t know what to do! How do i get through the day without Him telling me what to do? It’s been so long since i thought for myself. Does anyone have a link for ‘How to Tie your Own Shoes’? Please, someone, what should i do all day?”
Begin by playing in traffic. Repeat as necessary.
7. Hello, my name is Amanda, and I’m a grammar/spelling nazi. Sorry.
First, don’t take it personally if you indulge in one (or all) of the following. I’ve just seen so many in a row that my head is going to explode. I’m fully aware that, despite being a grammar nazi, I suck at grammar. I realize much of my own writing makes others cringe. I switched from ‘Alright’ to ‘All right’ simply because a friend threatened death, so I’ve been there and done that.
a.1,2, &3) “I have 47.5 yrs experience in the lifestyle. All of My friends cower before My innate domliness. I’m planning a garage sale on Saturday, and I’ll be selling all of My fetish clothes, My golfclubs, and homemade cookies that My slave made. Please email Me privately if Y/you want to buy a cookie without nuts.”
1.) If the post is not BDSM related, MUST you really remind everyone how long you’ve been ‘in the lifestyle’ and what a Twue Dom you are?
2.) In any circumstances, but *especially* any that are NOT BDSM related, do you have to keep capitalizing Me/My/Mine? Newsflash: it’s not domly, it’s pompous.
3.) D/don’t E/ever T/type L/like T/this! F/for P/pete’s S/sake, Y/you C/could T/trigger S/someone’s S/seizures!
b.) This applies to ‘i’, too.
TWO WORDS. ‘A’ and ‘lot’. This is the most common misspelling out there. It’s so rampant, my eyes actually *did* bleed by Email #712.
Folks, it’s ‘masturbation’. For an example of ‘Masterbation’, please see item 7.a.
8. Posting many (or large) pics without an LJ cut.
This one other guy and I both still have dial-up. Please don’t crash our friends pages.
9. Posting “How do you do an LJ cut?”
You look in the FAQ, fucktard. I have the FAQ bookmarked. You should, too.
10. Asking me to put my entries behind a cut.
I do if there are pictures (always with one *thumbnail* teaser) or if I feel the subject matter may be questionable. I do that because I’m polite. If you don’t like what I’m typing, even the long ones (which I *do* occassionally cut, usually at whim), then don’t read my blog.
11. Reposting things without citing the author AND what e-list you got it from.
It’s not just rude, it’s plagiarism.
12. Not previewing your entry to see if the HTML is working. Or not spell-checking.
It’s just sloppy, and both take less than 2 minutes (even on dial-up).
13. Posting to **any** journal (other than your own) or community with a close-up dick-shot icon (or similar).
I’ve actually contemplated de-friending people because other readers use woogie-icons, that’s how much I hate this. Usually I like the blog owner too much to take it out on them & defriend, but I consider it *every single time*. Contrary to popular belief, no one wants your cock glaring at them from the computer screen. Trust me on this.